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Dear J.T. & Dale: My company has announced that we have to come into the office three days a week. However, my boss has not come in. She’s been working remotely in spite of all the rest of us having to show up to the office. Nobody has discussed this with her but we’re all pretty upset. Can I say something to her? It doesn’t seem fair. — Bianca
J.T.: I agree, it doesn’t seem fair. More importantly, it seems really odd that the manager isn’t explaining herself. I don’t think I would specifically ask her why she isn’t adhering to the rules, but I do think you could email her and tell her that you’re looking forward to seeing her in person and was wondering when would be the next time she’d be in the office. That way you’re putting a positive spin on your inquiry. That might also prompt her to explain why she hasn’t been coming into the office. But, if she doesn’t give an answer, then I think you just have to accept that at the management level maybe she’s been given different criteria than the rest of you. And always remember, you are an at-will employee, which means if you’re not happy with your situation you can go out and find a different job that suits your needs.
DALE: I’m not one of those conspiracy theory people who is always certain there’s something diabolical lurking behind every odd circumstance, but this situation suggests to me some deeper machinations. This is pure conjecture, but here’s an intriguing scenario: Your boss is unwilling to return to in-office work and let upper management know she’s quitting. Upper management then asks her to keep working remotely while she looks for a new job. If this scenario plays out, then perhaps you can put yourself in a position to advance. There’s no downside, as you should be implementing these career progression strategies anyway: increase visibility by volunteering for teams/initiatives involved in company issues beyond your department; get an executive mentor inside the company; try to get assignments on critical projects; and, all the while, be making an informal study of who gets promoted in the company and how. In other words, change is coming; change first.
Best of career resources
J.T.: It’s time for our review of useful career resources and this time it’s a book that Dale brought to my attention: “Summer Camp Jobs USA: Find Your Job, Get Your Job, Love Your Job” by Michael Pastore. The first surprises are the numbers involved: There are more than 16,000 camps serving 14 million campers, and get this, an estimated 1.5 million staff members. By the way, when I think of summer camp, I think of spending days or weeks at camp, but Pastore reports that 7,000 of the 16,000 summer camps are “day camps,” rather than sleepover ones.
DALE: If you or your favorite teen might want to be one of the 1.5 million staffers, now is the time to apply — this is their hiring season. The book details 10 “classic methods” for a job search along with a “Super-List” of 20 websites and search engines. For instance, there’s a site for the American Camp Association (acacamps.org) which has a jobs center where you can sign up for email alerts when new jobs are posted. But Pastore points out that only about 20% of camps are members of the ACA, so there are plenty of other places to search.
J.T.: I liked how accessible the information is, something that any inexperienced job searcher could really learn from. A teenager following the advice in the book could get experience with a number of job search sites and tools, as well as practical advice on topics like making a first impression and how to prepare for an interview.
DALE: Yes, while much of the book’s advice is specific to summer camps (like the chapter on taking Red Cross classes and other camp relevant training), I kept thinking what a great growth experience the book’s process would be for any young person — it could become an early inflection point in that person’s career.
Jeanine “J.T.” Tanner O’Donnell is a career coach and the founder of the leading career site www.workitdaily.com. Dale Dauten’s latest book is “Experiments Never Fail: A Guide for the Bored, Unappreciated and Underpaid.” Please visit them at jtanddale.com, where you can send questions via email, or write to them in care of King Features Syndicate, 628 Virginia Dr., Orlando, FL 32803.
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It’s no secret that a supportive boss can play an instrumental role in your ability to thrive both at work and at home. In this piece, the authors take this finding one step further. Their research highlights how your boss can also indirectly influence your co-parent’s ability to thrive as well. While it may not always be an option to choose your supervisor, by understanding how this process unfolds, you can take steps to more consciously navigate complex work, parenting, and partnership decisions to maximize opportunities for both you and your co-parent to thrive in all facets of life.
A recent Washington Post article highlighted a seemingly obvious, yet critically important finding from research conducted by Maureen Perry-Jenkins: When parents work in more supportive environments, they are able to be more effective in their parenting roles. This, in turn, leads to better developmental outcomes for their children. It’s no surprise that this news article quickly made the rounds across social media for parents — it articulates what so many working parents have felt: that our experiences at work shape the experiences of our home lives.
While writing Parents Who Lead, one of us (Alyssa) heard countless examples of dual-career parents who described the invasive, negative impact that an unsupportive work environment (think micromanaging boss, lack of family-supportive policies, presenteeism culture) can have on the entire family. It was common to hear one parent complain about their partner’s work and how carrying the resulting extra burden at home meant that they couldn’t fully engage at work themselves. And, happily, we also heard the positive flip side of this story. When one parent was meaningfully supported at work, their co-parent felt better able to fully show up as a parent and in their own career.
As a team of researchers and working parents ourselves, we set out to investigate this question: How does our co-parent’s support (or lack thereof) in the work environment influence our ability to thrive at home and at work?
To answer this question, we identified 100 dual-career couples with children and surveyed them at multiple time points over a year and a half during the pandemic. We asked each parent to tell us about the extent to which their work environment was supportive of their lives outside of work. We asked these questions about several facets of the work environment — their direct supervisor, their coworkers, and the broader organizational culture. We also asked both parents about their home lives, including the extent to which their partner was a supportive co-parent. Finally, we asked them to describe the degree to which they felt that they were thriving at work and at home. From an academic perspective, thriving is defined as two distinct but related psychological states — vitality and learning. When you thrive, you feel energized, enthusiastic, and a sense of continuous growth and learning. Beyond merely surviving, we wanted to know why some working parents were able to thrive (especially during the pandemic, which placed immense pressure on the family system).
What we found supported our initial supposition that when one co-parent has a supportive work environment, it makes it significantly more likely that their co-parent will be able thrive both at home and in their own careers. Diving deeper into the data yielded some fascinating findings.
First, we found that not all types of support at work are equally important. The supportiveness of one’s supervisor was significantly more impactful on both the co-parent and their partner than other forms of support at work (either from coworkers or the organizational culture, more broadly). In other words, even after controlling for the supportiveness of your own boss, the supportiveness of your co-parent’s boss affects how likely you are to thrive at work and home.
Second, as organizational psychologists, we wanted to understand how this process unfolded. We found that partners who had supportive supervisors were, in turn, more supportive of their co-parent at home. Having a supportive supervisor allowed individuals to bring more time and energy to their home lives. They were able to take on more of the parenting and domestic responsibilities, as well as be a more focused, engaged, and patient co-parent. Simply put, when you have an unsupportive boss, it’s hard to show up fully for your family. As a result, the demands of managing the home domain fall disproportionately to your co-parent, which drains them of the capacity to fully thrive in their home and work lives. This effect held true regardless of parent gender and number of children.
While there is still much to untangle about how the work environments of the couples in our study affect their children and partner, these initial findings present significant takeaways for working parents.
1. Recognize and manage spillover.
While we may want to believe we can “turn off” work stress when we’re off-the-clock, our research suggests that this frequently isn’t the case. Work-family scholars refer to this as “spillover”— when experiences at work impact your ability to fully engage at home, both positively and negatively.
After a great day at work, you’re more likely to be an energetic parent and partner. But, after a draining and frustrating one, negative moods don’t necessarily dissipate right away. By becoming more aware of this process, you can develop tools for capitalizing on the positive energy and minimizing the transfer of negativity. For example, developing a commute ritual (even if it’s just from the desk to the couch) may be a useful tool for managing spillover.
2. Practice mindful division of labor.
When we dove into the research on how one partner’s boss affects their co-parent, one of the key drivers was the extent to which unsupportive bosses were associated with less equal co-parenting. While demanding work roles may mean that not every chore or task can be shared 50/50, it does highlight the importance of consciously and collaboratively determining how family responsibilities will be distributed. Experimenting with new ways to divide and manage responsibilities is an important strategy for dual-career parents to improve both partners’ satisfaction and performance at work and home.
3. Prioritize having the right boss.
While we may not have control over who we work for and with, there are times of career transition when we do have the capacity to prioritize different facets of our future roles. In those instances, recognize the potential impact that a supportive supervisor will play in your life, and seek out a supportive boss.
4. Manage up.
Since choosing your direct supervisor isn’t always an option, it’s important to be proactive in managing the relationship with the boss that you do have. Research suggests that you can manage up to facilitate greater alignment, communication, and support in your relationship with your direct supervisor. And, if your co-parent feels trapped, you can help them identify strategies for doing so, as well.
5. Cultivate communities of support.
While our research focused on the supportiveness of the workplace, it’s only one dimension of our lives that affects our immediate family. Yet, many of us focus only on work and immediate family as potential levers of support, overlooking our wider community. By cultivating a broader network of support around you — whether from extended family, neighbors, friends, community or school resources — you may find that you become less reliant on the supportiveness of your direct supervisor to facilitate wellness in your career and home. By creatively building and leveraging support in other domains of your life, you bolster your ability to thrive in challenging circumstances.
It’s no secret that a supportive boss can play an instrumental role in your ability to thrive both at work and at home. Our research takes this finding one step further by highlighting how your boss can also indirectly influence your co-parent’s ability to thrive, as well. While it may not always be an option to choose the ideal supervisor, by understanding how this process unfolds, you can take steps to more consciously navigate complex work, parenting, and partnership decisions to maximize opportunities for both you and your co-parent to thrive in all facets of life.
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